Heaven's Door and Her
by stupid-otps
Summary: One shot of Bellamy's thoughts on the way back from Mount Weather and Clarke leaving in the finale of season 2 and obviously him missing her afterwards because they're so in love it's ridiculous. First Bellarke piece so don't expect too much.


Ok so I'm late to the Bellarke party, I only finished season 2 yesterday so this is really rough and I haven't written for these perfect two yet either. If this is any good then I'll write some more because the amount of inspiration these two give me is amazing. It's not great but hopefully it's enjoyable?

They walk, as quickly as they can with all the wounded, away from Mount Weather. Away from that places of lies and pain and hypocrisy. It's going to haunt them all but the voices in his head love to call him a monster and the ammunition he just gave them is undeniable. All Bellamy wants is to get everyone _(Clarke)_ the hell out of there. He can't think about what they just did and the same justification runs through his head; _'you had to, you had to, they were killing our people, you had to protect Octavia, you had to, you had to.'_ He figures that at some point all this will be easier, he'll be more rational because it might hurt but he has always known the pragmatic decision, the best way to keep the people you are connected to alive. Clarke, he knows, will find this much harder than him and that's why he isn't going to leave her side. Between the two of them they'll find the words, they have before after all; I need you, you were protecting your sister, you aren't a monster, these things necessary for survival aren't a true reflection…

When they reach the Ark, nearly 9 hours later and everything feels numb (apart of course from his feet), everyone else seems relieved. There won't be any more deaths because of Mount Weather and he imagines that most people will count this as a win. That most people won't have to wonder what else life on this Earth will cost. He has always believed that the desperate acts of survival aren't the truth, that they didn't define you. It doesn't mean they don't leave a mark. Scars both inside and out. He already has so many. The piece of faith that saves him is that hopefully this is one of the last and that he'll have time right now to think and make peace with it all.

When Clarke says, "Have one for me." he needs several moments to fully grasp what she means. He can't quite believe that she's going to leave, after everything. Doesn't she realise that he needs her too right now? That he plays that moment back in his mind because he thinks he knows some other word, but going further than need is dangerous and something for the stories his mum used to read to them at bedtime. The word he wants can't be used here. Not on this patch of Earth, so close to everything that's ripped and pulled apart their hearts and minds, or souls even.

When he gives her the other words he hopes she wants, "You're forgiven." He's at war within himself. He wants her to see that he's pleading with her to stay, just please stay with me, please I need you. The other part, the pragmatic part looks into her eyes and knows that she needs this. She has to leave. He can't ask this of her, not now, maybe not ever.

And then, … then she kisses him as she says goodbye.

"May we meet again."

Her lips are soft against his cheek and her body is warm as she hugs him for all of a second. In any his dreams, this wasn't how they first kissed. Sometimes it was passionate, sometimes desperate, sometimes more innocent than either of them had a right to. It was never solemn. Never a goodbye that she'd whisper against him.

"May we meet again." Because what else can he say?

It hurts so deeply watching her leave ( _hasn't he lost enough in all this already?)_ He promises to himself that he'll remember exactly how the sunlight glinted off the grass and her blonde 'princess' hair as she walked into the forest. Maybe he can hope that her goodbye is a promise. That there is some spark of optimism which she can use to come back, burning just as brightly as she did before. Clarke is strong, she's more of a goddess than a woman. He remembers the mythologies from his childhood and knows she fits in with the pantheon of the distant times, when the gods were cruel and violent but also kind and just so you never fought them, not if you could avoid it because they could be more devastating than a volcano but softer than a first kiss.

 _Months pass and the dreams that aren't centred on his death toll are about her. Those sky blue eyes that challenge and hurt and show her bleeding heart haunt him. His subconscious gives him the relief of her coming back but it's never enough. It plays out hundreds of different ways but her first word is always his name. It sounds different on her lips and he always kisses her, only to wake up and feel that little bit more alone._ _And it's ridiculous but he loves her and he's terrified of the fact that it's over before it even began._

Bellamy doesn't know where heaven's door is or if he'll ever even deserve it, but in the days without her, he learns that the door to hell is in his own mind. He also learns that alone, he doesn't always have the strength to close it.


End file.
